When I woke up this morning, I felt like my mind had already been up for hours. I had the sensation of waking up into the already-in-progress thoughts moving to and fro, worries ebbing and flowing, problems to be solved trying to work themselves out and heartfelt and energetic thoughts of love and support extending out for my loved ones. It felt like, even though my body had been asleep, *I* hadn’t been.
By the time I got Amira onto her bike and pedaling off to school and Paul in the car and on his way to work… I felt a combination of teary, fatigued, and anxious. I felt unanchored and like the slightest burst of wind would send my ship sailing on an unnecessary course. More than anything, I wanted to crawl back in bed. I wanted to curl under my covers and drift away into sleep. I didn’t. Instead, I took some time to do some meditation. I found a YouTube audio-video meditation guide for clearing and activating my chakras. It was 20 minutes long and I figured it couldn’t hurt. And maybe, fingers crossed, it might help. Despite one mistake made by the creator of the meditation, that I found jarring, it felt wonderful. I have a strong imagination and guided meditations can be powerful experiences for me. This meditative work felt as much physically restorative as it did spiritually. I finished up with a 4-minute, EMDR inspired sound therapy meditation. Within less than 30 minutes of meditation, I felt moored and grateful.
I can’t help thinking about how the more relationships I have, the more my concerns multiply. I have a dear friend who is, right now, sitting vigil with her dying father. I have friends who are living with chronic pain and degenerative diseases. Another friend has lost their job and facing a likely eviction from her home. I have friends facing unjust consequences for mistakes made. At the same time, other friends, who are innocent and undeserving, are paying dearly for the mistake made by someone else. There are loved ones who are trying to figure out what is going on with their bodies and having to work uphill against the symptoms they are experiencing. A beloved pet of 15 1/2 years died. A daughter is hurting and confused finding herself and her place in the world. In another situation… 100%, and then some, is being put out and still there are no guarantees. Relationships are in turmoil or have recently ended. And so on. I’m empathetic and take all these on. I know I can’t fix everything but it doesn’t stop my mind and heart from wanting to and casting about for solutions.
And, at the same time, from the very same group of beautiful and beloved friends… I have a friend who just brought a beautiful new dog home today. Another friend is a constant inspiration of growth and beauty, and another just closed on her new home. Another friend is celebrating the joy and pride she feels in her daughter and another from her son nearly grown into a man. I see friendships and the love between friends healing and supporting each other. A friend is traveling from stunning European location to the next while another dear friend is enjoying the nurture and peace of her home and community. I have a friend that is basking, completely in love, with her 1 month old son. An online friend who is celebrating the announcement of a second grandchild on the way. I have a friend who inspires me with her artist’s eye and the work she creates. And another who reminds me of just how much abundance and joy you can create in your life if you just will not give up.
For whatever reason, it’s easier for my mind to worry about what is (as I perceive it) going wrong for myself and those I love. Today, taking the time to meditate re-established my awareness to all the wonder, love and beauty that is happening as well. I’m grateful for that. I’m grateful that with meditation, I was able to begin finding my voice again. Meditation put me back in sync with my gratitude. Gratitude doesn’t change, mitigate or soften the hardships that my friends and me are experiencing. But it did, for me, begin a type of transformation in my relationship to it. The winds that blow and the waves that buffet my life aren’t any less intense or real. But with gratitude I avoid, even for a time, being washed out and lost at sea. I’m safe.
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